The Reason

My performance appraisal was presented to me yesterday. 2 on 1. That is, my direct supervisor and his/her supervisor (both of whom are MUCH younger than me) came to my office to discuss what they had written in my performance review for the year. I knew what to expect - I have been through this countless times, with a number of different organizations / companies. They are all the same, as anyone who has been in the workforce for over 10-15 years can understand. Give a positive, then give 2 or three "developmental" items. It's all bullshit, really.

In the past, this little annual exercise has always been a thorn in my side. And its not the reason you probably think - nobody likes criticism, even if constructive. Its not that - I have no problem discussing my flaws, indiosyncratic behavior, problems, etc. No, there is another reason - well, actually two. First, the whole fucking process reminds me of the anniversary ritual of Chateau D'If prison - you get a severe beating on each anniversary you are imprisoned so that you remember how long you have been there (see the 2002 movie version of the Count of Monte Cristo). Pure sadism - in the corporate context.

Second, the actual review or appraisal is so goddamned subjective. Beauty (positives) is in the eye of the beholder. And negatives are ALWAYS plentiful. Cause and effect are NEVER considered. For example. I am told that, although I have a real energy and expertise for projects in area "A", I do not put forth enough effort or show any interest in area "B", which is equally important. That sounds pretty damning without any context, doesnt it? I mean, it sounds like I'm an asshole that just wants to do things that interest me. Well, what is NOT said, is that my "superiors" never discuss topics in area "B" with me, NOR do they assign me projects in area "B". So how the fuck am I going to show interest or put forth effort?

Anyway, I know the drill, but it still gets to me. Because God forbid that you actually say something to them or push back on their review. Then they really have some fodder for next year. Its like being on anti-depression medication and yelling at the pharmacist because he/she fucked up your order - they just look at you and think "now I know why you need that medicine" - you can't win.

So that's the reason I decided to start this blog - to vent the toxins. To get them out of my soul so I can watch the ongoing freak parade that we live in and not take a hostage. I feel better already.

-Id (pronounced "Eye-Dee")