Another Way

Before I started this blog (see post below), my primary method of dealing with the angst, stress, fear and loathing of every day life (injected into our psyche by such things as the national news media and those fucking assholes in the left lane of a major highway who will not exceed the speed limit or move to the right because they are "entitled" to be there) is to search out humor everywhere. In every situation. In every place. Ok, maybe not in EVERY place - like when you are behind one of those fucking assholes in the left lane of a major highway.

When there is none to be found (like, say, in a particularly boring meeting at work - there is often plenty to laugh at in regular meetings), I let "my mind go back" (my grandmother's saying) or wander. And it usually will come up with something funny.

I assume that is not unusual. I am sure many people do it. What sets me apart, I think, is that I am completely unable to control my laughter. I think it - it makes me laugh. Out loud. Wherever I am. In church, the grocery store, a police station or a particularly boring meeting with my boss, his boss and her boss. As you can imagine, this makes people nervous.

Anyway, I though of this because I found the little ditty below on McSweeneys.net, a web site that ALWAYS provides material for my little mental jaunts. This one is particularly good and will certainly cause some akward moments in the future. Enjoy.

-Id

SIX STEPS TO TOTAL RELAXATION IN THE WORKPLACE.
BY RENEE PRINCE
- - - -
1. Begin by breathing slowly through your mouth. As you inhale, think of a balloon gradually expanding. As you exhale, think of that video where those guys drop breath mints into a bottle of soda and it erupts into a giant foaming geyser.

2. While focusing your eyes on a spot slightly behind your head, walk slowly back and forth in front of your cubicle with both elbows loosely supporting your feet. Let your breath flow from your buttocks.

3. Sit down at your desk with legs crossed and head rotating. Gently place ears and teeth on floor. Lift. Repeat.

4. Stand with knees detached, holding pelvic area extended in front of body at shoulder level, eyes closed. With neck open, take six deep breaths. Repeat.

5. Crouch with head between feet in darkened stairwell, exhale slowly with a low hissing sound. Repeat each time door to stairwell is opened by meddlesome co-worker.

6. Lean with back against wall in darkened stairwell and breathe in through right nostril, out through left nostril. Using nasal passages only, repeat the phrase "Put this on my timecard: I've got a gun, fuckers" the next time that goddamn stairwell door opens.