Guantanamo Now

The inmates (captives, prisoners, detainees, whatever) of Gitmo are subjected to torture? Please. Try having a sick child or two - and over the course of the illness (generally, 3 to 4 days) you get woken up EVERY time you JUST drop off to sleep.

Better yet, try being the only male in TWO households of females. The prisoners in Gitmo have at least some hope that their situation is going to improve....

Acknowledging the fact that there are certainly SOME prisoners of Gitmo who are shouldn't be there (their only crime being at the wrong place at the wrong time), the large majority of the inmate population are radical muslim fundamentalists who, presumably, enjoy nothing better than to sit around, read the Koran and bitch about the infidels. Hey, I've lived in the Middle East - I KNOW the first one is true. They don't have to cook. They don't have to go shopping. They don't have to do SHIT. Well, in fact, they do that quite a bit given that the meals that are prepared for them (according to Islamic guidelines, no less) total 4,200 calories per day (See http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2006-10-03-guantanamo-weight_x.htm) and they only get TWO HOURS OF RECREATION TIME. Think about that for a second - 2 hours of recreation time? I don't get that in a fucking week, let alone a day.

That's torture? No, no, no, no. That would be like making me watch ESPN all day while force feeding me beer and pizza. Sign me up.

Another Way

Before I started this blog (see post below), my primary method of dealing with the angst, stress, fear and loathing of every day life (injected into our psyche by such things as the national news media and those fucking assholes in the left lane of a major highway who will not exceed the speed limit or move to the right because they are "entitled" to be there) is to search out humor everywhere. In every situation. In every place. Ok, maybe not in EVERY place - like when you are behind one of those fucking assholes in the left lane of a major highway.

When there is none to be found (like, say, in a particularly boring meeting at work - there is often plenty to laugh at in regular meetings), I let "my mind go back" (my grandmother's saying) or wander. And it usually will come up with something funny.

I assume that is not unusual. I am sure many people do it. What sets me apart, I think, is that I am completely unable to control my laughter. I think it - it makes me laugh. Out loud. Wherever I am. In church, the grocery store, a police station or a particularly boring meeting with my boss, his boss and her boss. As you can imagine, this makes people nervous.

Anyway, I though of this because I found the little ditty below on McSweeneys.net, a web site that ALWAYS provides material for my little mental jaunts. This one is particularly good and will certainly cause some akward moments in the future. Enjoy.

-Id

SIX STEPS TO TOTAL RELAXATION IN THE WORKPLACE.
BY RENEE PRINCE
- - - -
1. Begin by breathing slowly through your mouth. As you inhale, think of a balloon gradually expanding. As you exhale, think of that video where those guys drop breath mints into a bottle of soda and it erupts into a giant foaming geyser.

2. While focusing your eyes on a spot slightly behind your head, walk slowly back and forth in front of your cubicle with both elbows loosely supporting your feet. Let your breath flow from your buttocks.

3. Sit down at your desk with legs crossed and head rotating. Gently place ears and teeth on floor. Lift. Repeat.

4. Stand with knees detached, holding pelvic area extended in front of body at shoulder level, eyes closed. With neck open, take six deep breaths. Repeat.

5. Crouch with head between feet in darkened stairwell, exhale slowly with a low hissing sound. Repeat each time door to stairwell is opened by meddlesome co-worker.

6. Lean with back against wall in darkened stairwell and breathe in through right nostril, out through left nostril. Using nasal passages only, repeat the phrase "Put this on my timecard: I've got a gun, fuckers" the next time that goddamn stairwell door opens.

The Reason

My performance appraisal was presented to me yesterday. 2 on 1. That is, my direct supervisor and his/her supervisor (both of whom are MUCH younger than me) came to my office to discuss what they had written in my performance review for the year. I knew what to expect - I have been through this countless times, with a number of different organizations / companies. They are all the same, as anyone who has been in the workforce for over 10-15 years can understand. Give a positive, then give 2 or three "developmental" items. It's all bullshit, really.

In the past, this little annual exercise has always been a thorn in my side. And its not the reason you probably think - nobody likes criticism, even if constructive. Its not that - I have no problem discussing my flaws, indiosyncratic behavior, problems, etc. No, there is another reason - well, actually two. First, the whole fucking process reminds me of the anniversary ritual of Chateau D'If prison - you get a severe beating on each anniversary you are imprisoned so that you remember how long you have been there (see the 2002 movie version of the Count of Monte Cristo). Pure sadism - in the corporate context.

Second, the actual review or appraisal is so goddamned subjective. Beauty (positives) is in the eye of the beholder. And negatives are ALWAYS plentiful. Cause and effect are NEVER considered. For example. I am told that, although I have a real energy and expertise for projects in area "A", I do not put forth enough effort or show any interest in area "B", which is equally important. That sounds pretty damning without any context, doesnt it? I mean, it sounds like I'm an asshole that just wants to do things that interest me. Well, what is NOT said, is that my "superiors" never discuss topics in area "B" with me, NOR do they assign me projects in area "B". So how the fuck am I going to show interest or put forth effort?

Anyway, I know the drill, but it still gets to me. Because God forbid that you actually say something to them or push back on their review. Then they really have some fodder for next year. Its like being on anti-depression medication and yelling at the pharmacist because he/she fucked up your order - they just look at you and think "now I know why you need that medicine" - you can't win.

So that's the reason I decided to start this blog - to vent the toxins. To get them out of my soul so I can watch the ongoing freak parade that we live in and not take a hostage. I feel better already.

-Id (pronounced "Eye-Dee")