I Need Tits

Remember the "Barbie Bandits"? The two young chicks who robbed a Bank of America while both were made up like Paris Hilton?

Well, NOW they are getting media exposure - just like Paris Hilton. Check this out - http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=3187818&page=1&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312

First of all, SHE (Heather Johnston) is a BLONDE BOMBSHELL? Obviously the reporter hasn't been laid in a LONG time.

Second, who is she trying to kid here? She was a FUCKING EXOTIC DANCER and IMMEDIATELY after the robbery they went to an "upscale" salon to get FUCKING HAIR HIGHLIGHTS. But it was just a joke (hee hee) *hair flip* *rapid bat of eyelashes*.

Think I would be on ABC news if I did the same thing? Fuck No. I would be getting sodomized by my cell mate for the fifth time today instead of writing this blog entry.

I swear, if these two bitches walk with a slap on the wrist I am going to rip up my Lifetime Membership in Humanity.

-Id

That Soon to Be Living in The Darkest Pit of Hell Fucking Asshole

I guess I am not as stupid as some people in my life seem to think I am. See the post below and then read this:

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/VATech/story?id=3056168&page=1&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312

Ismail Ax

I wish everyone would stop trying to figure out what made that asshole do what he did. He doesnt deserve the attention. They need to take his picture down and stop saying his name. That is all that he wanted - to make everyone listen to him - because he is right, he knows the "truth", he understands how we are supposed to act. He was a lunatic, plain and simple. His deranged mind made him do what he did.

He was trying to send us a message by writing that shit on his arm? Yeah, whatever. Fuck him. I don't need to get whatever message he wanted to send me. Return to sender.

I hope that the families of his victims know that Satan is soaking him in the same vat of urine with Mohamad Atta - and he is going to skin them together at his next party for entertainment.

-Id

All About The Benjamins

Ever heard of Jason Whitlock? He is a sports reporter for The Kansas City Star. I know of him - but I ignored him most of the time. Not because of what he says or what he has said or what he looks like. Its because my only exposure to him was as a panelist on ESPN's "The Sport's Reporters" - in my mind, the single worst show on television. I can't bear to look at or listen to that old, fat ugly white man, whatever his name is (and I dont think he is on the show anymore, just for that reason - he has a face that even radio can't love) and Mike Lupica, the quintessential dork. Man, I got picked on in school, but if I had the chance, I would have beat the shit out of Mike Lupica every fucking day on the playground. And don't get me started on Mitch Albom.

I think the whole group is "holier than though" and it makes me want to vomit. But, I digress.

Jason Whitlock used to be on the show, until he had some sort of falling out. A piece he recently wrote about the Don Imus firings has circulated recently and I just think it is out of this world. It is articulate, well thought out and obviously heartfelt. You can check it out here.
http://www.kansascity.com/182/story/66339.html

Assuming you clicked on the link and read the article (which, if you havent, stop here and go back you ass) you got that Jason is black, right? A black man that is criticizing his own race and, possibly, culture. Its just as juicy as it gets - for white people I mean. Most white people love this kind of shit, because most white people are bigots (I'm white, by the way - lilly white) and its like - SEE, WE ARE RIGHT, EVEN YOUR OWN PEOPLE are starting to realize just how fucked up you people are.

I think that its sad that such a well written article is used in such a fashion. I mean, Jason is almost begging black leaders to do something about the downward spiral that black culture is on (as he sees it). He cares - and he's willing to say so.

Well, an equally well written piece was done today by Todd Boyd, a relative newcomer to ESPN. He is also black and he gives a different perspective on the Don Imus firings. You can read it here (read it, godamnit!) http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=boyd/070416&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab4pos1. You are not going to see this one being flown on the mast of the giant white "we were right" ship. But it is equally compelling. Because he treats Don Imus the way he should be treated - like the nobody he is. Don Imus is a bigot and he is an asshole. There are tons of them in the world - black and white.

But taken together, these articles demonstrate one thing. Imus was not fired because of the perceived "outrage" by his behavior. Very few people, other than Al Sharpton, were outraged by Don Imus because they know who he is - just another asshole. And they expect him to act like an asshole every opportunity he gets. That is why people USED to listen to him.

But, I think many are now reevaluating that because, like you and me, they have enough assholes in their life to contend with.

No, Imus got fired because his sponsors pulled out. Plain and simple. It was not morale punishment. The money dried up. Just like everything else - its all about the benjamins.

-Id

We're From The IRS - We're Here To Help You

The final regulations for Internal Revenue Code Section 409A were released yesterday. Most people on the face of the planet (and I am talking WELL OVER 99.999999999999999%) could not care less. I, however, am one of the lucky ones who has to read and digest the almost 400 pages of this shit.

Get a load of this - an excerpt:

"Therefore, the final regulations provide that the special rules with respect to commissions apply to arrangements involving a customer related to the service provider or the service recipient provided that substantial sales or substantial services occur between the service recipient and a significant number of unrelated customers, and the sales or service arrangement and the commission arrangement with respect to a customer related to either the service recipient or the service provider are bona fide and arise in the ordinary course of business, and both the terms and practices are substantially the same as the terms and practices applicable to customers to whom the service provider and service recipient are not related, and to whom, either individually or in the aggregate, the service recipient has made substantial sales or provided substantial services."

Hey folks, that is ONE SENTENCE. Un-fucking-believable.

-Id

Guantanamo Now

The inmates (captives, prisoners, detainees, whatever) of Gitmo are subjected to torture? Please. Try having a sick child or two - and over the course of the illness (generally, 3 to 4 days) you get woken up EVERY time you JUST drop off to sleep.

Better yet, try being the only male in TWO households of females. The prisoners in Gitmo have at least some hope that their situation is going to improve....

Acknowledging the fact that there are certainly SOME prisoners of Gitmo who are shouldn't be there (their only crime being at the wrong place at the wrong time), the large majority of the inmate population are radical muslim fundamentalists who, presumably, enjoy nothing better than to sit around, read the Koran and bitch about the infidels. Hey, I've lived in the Middle East - I KNOW the first one is true. They don't have to cook. They don't have to go shopping. They don't have to do SHIT. Well, in fact, they do that quite a bit given that the meals that are prepared for them (according to Islamic guidelines, no less) total 4,200 calories per day (See http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2006-10-03-guantanamo-weight_x.htm) and they only get TWO HOURS OF RECREATION TIME. Think about that for a second - 2 hours of recreation time? I don't get that in a fucking week, let alone a day.

That's torture? No, no, no, no. That would be like making me watch ESPN all day while force feeding me beer and pizza. Sign me up.

Another Way

Before I started this blog (see post below), my primary method of dealing with the angst, stress, fear and loathing of every day life (injected into our psyche by such things as the national news media and those fucking assholes in the left lane of a major highway who will not exceed the speed limit or move to the right because they are "entitled" to be there) is to search out humor everywhere. In every situation. In every place. Ok, maybe not in EVERY place - like when you are behind one of those fucking assholes in the left lane of a major highway.

When there is none to be found (like, say, in a particularly boring meeting at work - there is often plenty to laugh at in regular meetings), I let "my mind go back" (my grandmother's saying) or wander. And it usually will come up with something funny.

I assume that is not unusual. I am sure many people do it. What sets me apart, I think, is that I am completely unable to control my laughter. I think it - it makes me laugh. Out loud. Wherever I am. In church, the grocery store, a police station or a particularly boring meeting with my boss, his boss and her boss. As you can imagine, this makes people nervous.

Anyway, I though of this because I found the little ditty below on McSweeneys.net, a web site that ALWAYS provides material for my little mental jaunts. This one is particularly good and will certainly cause some akward moments in the future. Enjoy.

-Id

SIX STEPS TO TOTAL RELAXATION IN THE WORKPLACE.
BY RENEE PRINCE
- - - -
1. Begin by breathing slowly through your mouth. As you inhale, think of a balloon gradually expanding. As you exhale, think of that video where those guys drop breath mints into a bottle of soda and it erupts into a giant foaming geyser.

2. While focusing your eyes on a spot slightly behind your head, walk slowly back and forth in front of your cubicle with both elbows loosely supporting your feet. Let your breath flow from your buttocks.

3. Sit down at your desk with legs crossed and head rotating. Gently place ears and teeth on floor. Lift. Repeat.

4. Stand with knees detached, holding pelvic area extended in front of body at shoulder level, eyes closed. With neck open, take six deep breaths. Repeat.

5. Crouch with head between feet in darkened stairwell, exhale slowly with a low hissing sound. Repeat each time door to stairwell is opened by meddlesome co-worker.

6. Lean with back against wall in darkened stairwell and breathe in through right nostril, out through left nostril. Using nasal passages only, repeat the phrase "Put this on my timecard: I've got a gun, fuckers" the next time that goddamn stairwell door opens.